Inhale ... close your eyes ... and get lost in it ...

Yesterday was a day like no other I have had, a treat for me above and beyond what I could have expected. A smile and a please got me to do something I normally wouldn't have. A can broke, one I never got to make use of in that manner before. A good meal was eaten, and a new way to make biscuits formed. The best part was it was all for me. Something so wonderful about that rings inside when I repeat it in my head, when I look back at it. I keep thinking, I deserve this now and then ... just enjoy it, get lost in it, and I did.

We learn from the things we did wrong in the past. I am a more open person. The things I held back I just let out, sometimes I have to remind myself to say what I am thinking. I kept just looking at her and smiling, then give myself a kick and just let out what was running through my mind. I want this to be different, I want it to be open, I want to know what runs through her mind when she smiles back at me, when she looks at me and her eyes dart back and forth between mine. And I did ... because she told me.

I feel like every ending thought of her elicits a sigh, an exhalation of euphoria.

What if I wasn't me?

I was on the stoop listening to the closing of a Flobots song, a nice violin solo kicks in. I love violins, the sound is just something I can get lost in, just listen to for hours. I guess violin like object is the best bet because I used to watch the channel 13 specials on Yo-Yo Ma and the sound garden. I figured I would share this tidbit of myself with someone special, and I proceeded to text away. I realized something however, I once wanted to be a chef ... I wanted to learn to play the violin ... where did these things go? I wonder if I had been given the opportunity and chose to pursue them, what kind of person would I be now? Would I have hung out with the same knuckleheads I did, would I have been the one being picked on? So many decisions and events go into crafting who a person is and what they become, we evolve into ourselves ... would I have evolved into this person?

I guess in the long run since I can look at where I am, the people around me, who I am with, and be happy, that maybe it doesn't matter. Chef's pay would have probably paid better, but there are moments along the path that would have been lost that I would not have traded for anything. What if in my new career I never bothered to sign up for Myspace? What if I ended up moving away and not hanging out with Dennis? How would that have affected how things turned out recently? I guess these things not only affect you, but those who's lives you have had an impact on as well.

Perhaps its not worth considering. I am where I am, happy, making my way day by day. Lost in something bigger then myself.

A Chapter Closed ... The Value of Truth

I know, its been a while. I got a new phone ... yes another phone, I know I just got one. I decided to finally get a plan and went with Verizon Wireless, no more prepaid. I picked up the LG Dare, originally 200$, offered to me at 150$, then discounted further to 100$ with an 8GB microSD card to top the deal. I even got a discount on my plan, like 20% or so. I spent most of the first day I had it just toying around trying to figure out the features, still figuring things out like how to make my own ringtone's etc. Not a built in feature, requires an external program called BitPim, which is just great. I mean I already have the music, why pay 2$ to have someone else email me a clip when I can cut it myself? I know royalties, blah, blah.

In other news I have to wait an extra day to see my beautiful. The waiting is killing me, anxiety, nervousness, anticipation. Its the beginning to a journey, I have my backpack on, I have been invited on the trip, I am just waiting at base camp to start, and a storm has rolled in ... err hurricane.

This weekend a chapter ended, a final finality if such a thing exists. I think I handled everything well, as well as I guess I could have been expected to. Dennis keeps telling me I could have been nicer, he is biased ... he knows it ... she knows why I am not.

There is a thin line that was drawn some time ago, it starts and ends with trust. I can take a lot, I have been stepped on, I have chased someone who didn't want me, I have put my heart on the line, I just ask for the truth in return. I don't lie, that includes by omission. I will tell you whats on my mind, as tactfully as possible, but always honestly. From everyone in my small circle, I just ask the same in response, the truth. It is probably why my circle is that small, its hard to find people who can offer that, its hard to let people in and give them that trust, it should have been even harder, near impossible, but for some reason it isn't with you ...

Shopping & Sleep

I was back in Park Slope yesterday, doing a little clothing shopping, just work items. I figured I would pick up some more dress pants, clean up the wardrobe a little. I think they cut them wrong though, that its suppose to be slightly higher for my taste, will have to see. I hung out with my mother for a bit, and some of the people from the block that practically raised me. It is nice getting back there, I used to almost dread it for some unknown reason. I guess most of my memories of Park Slope were tainted with all the years of drama; fighting, arguing, etc. I still look at the neighborhood, slightly depressed over what it has become, a shell of the cultural it once had. There are good people still living there, most of the ones I knew have just adapted to their new neighbors and neighborhood. What more can you really do in the end?

Yesterday I was in and out of sleep. I was listening to some music when D got to my house and within an hour I believe I was out cold sleeping. It finally all caught up to me. I even went to sleep early without helping him more with his new interest, blogging, well I guess this is more of a journal, then a blog and he plans his to be as well.

For those of you interested in rap music, social change, or even fans of Linkin Park, you may want to check out the Flobots. Murph put me onto them and their music is just amazing. The first song to check out is Handlebars, check the video its powerful, listen to the words, even if you don't like rap. I plan to pick up the CD soon, there haven't been many times when I felt I truly needed to back a band, to support what they are doing. There is something powerful about the message, it gives me pause when I really sit and listen.

Like Jay Said

"I'm high on life, fuck it I'm wasted" - Jay-Z (The Black Album, Allure)

I got a half hours sleep and I feel pretty good, still high off the conversation that kept me awake. I wouldn't even call it sleep, I guess I closed my eyes for a half at the most. Things are progressing, a cleansing of the things that held me down. I feel invigorated with possibility. I am no seer, but I see a near future that consumes me with happiness. For once I feel a true reciprocation, an equal exchange of smiles, happiness and affection. I was never a big believer in fate, instead taking the route that you work for what you have, and nothing is destined to leave or return. Timing however is everything, and for once it seems to be on point.

So far for just over a week, I have stuck to my lunch of a salad, some fruit, peaches, pears, and water and a yogurt in there somewhere. The interesting thing is that I enjoy it, I don't feel weighted down like I used to after eating a burger, I don't feel too tired to work afterward like I have to drag myself around. I feel like I am eating a good portion, I am satiated instead of stuffed at the end. It feels good, I guess that is the best way to summarize it all, everything just feels right about everything.

Today is probably going to be hectic at work, 3 last minute moves and a self assigned project to finish. I was able to score a vacation day that I badly wanted, it created a scheduling conflict but it was all worked out in the end. I am definitely looking forward to that day.

As no answer came, no divine response, he stopped staring, thinking ... in due time. Soon enough lines of text will turn to harmony, a sweet song where words, not cords compose the melody. Lost in the thought as if it was happening, his mind began dancing, in his day dream he was gliding across notes on music sheets, a song composed of 4 words, a song so sweet, that song began and ended with, "you make me happy"

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger! v2

Things are underway in so many facets. A transition of self that was needed some time ago. I feel happier, healthier, and more confident. I realized this weekend there was a time where I shied away from a camera, I didn't really like taking pics, I always felt they came out bad, or maybe just wasn't confident in myself. I have a conceded streak when it comes to my work, I think I am good at what I do, but it didn't extended beyond that too far. A change of clothes, into something more grown up, something I have been wanting to do, just never leaped, a haircut, of which I believe no pictures exist of me with the longer hair, and it was the start of a reexamination.

Antoine helped me develop a routine I have been sticking with and I think it is paying off. I eat better, with the occasional cheating, but even then I only eat half, and I try to avoid soda at all costs. I noticed the other day I am fluctuating between the last buckle on my belt and the one before it I was normally at. I won't get into detail since that would give away my waist size *gasp* cant do that now. But I am on the move, out doors, walking around, taking pictures, and feeling better. Even to the point where I am kicking D out the crib and off of Warcraft to take a walk with me.

Its amazing how a single compliment can change your day for the better, put a smile on your face and instill something inside that every person needs. It's more amazing how sometimes in your life there can be someone who can do that without saying a word.

He walked for what felt like ages, the voice replaying, echoing, satiating a hunger inside. An emptiness filling as his foot steps plodded on, a hope twinkling before his eyes. A mirage, an illusion just out of arms reach. "I want to do more then just see" he said, staring at the sky.

Need sleep, more dreams.

I started some point of yesterday with multiple plans, and they came and went off and on. In the end I ended up hanging out with Tony +1, which lasted all of 15 minutes or so. I felt almost like my night was stolen. Make plans to hang out, I canceled my other plans, then stick around for not even the length of a sitcom TV show, pfft. I went to lay down in the AC shortly after T had left and after kicking D out.

It was there that I got a call that washed away the annoyance that I was dealing with, one that seemed like it could have been endless. I really don't know what I am doing at work, I should have called out right after I got off the phone, or called out and called back to keep talking. There is something so genuine behind their words. Here are the cards laid out, no games, no nonsense, no running around. It is refreshing to be able to talk, divulge, discuss without wondering or waiting for the angle. So ... In the end I made it to work, a little late, eyes are a little heavy, but I am here, a victory in and of itself. After doing the math, 5:00 - 3:45 = 1:15, I realize just how little sleep I did get. The good part about it ... I wouldn't trade it for anything. There is just something captivating about that laugh, that voice, she is just emotionally contagious.

In less serious news, I seen this video online that was just amazing. It was on Gizmodo, and it is of a lightning storm in slow motion. I don't know what equipment captured it or how long the event recorded actually was, but check out the video, its 30 seconds well spent.

Forgive me ...

I was thinking about someone, playing a convo in my head, a question was asked that I didn't know how to answer. Hot water came up and I started to question how I had been. This came up recently in a talk with D about M.S. And maybe its time I let it out.

10.12 God bless you. I will try to be better to you everyday from today.
M.S. I'm sorry, when you were getting over that, I was asking for the impossible, I was a kid, I know now the world does not revolve around me.
T.C. I missed what would have been your big day, what could have been a chance to reconnect, I don't know what to say, we are all constantly evolving and I am still growing up.
T.S. Whenever I think of you, my heart aches. I didn't really know you, but I feel the world lost you because I didn't save you.

A cynic turned idealist, "like a comet striking our big blue planet" he said. He barely managed to recover his wits, his world upside down, and some how that was alright. He walked in solitude in the clear night, an innocence of heart in the single voice playing in his mind. A tinge of inspiration sparking, lighting something long dimmed.

Breathe

Sometimes you just need to breathe ... exhale and just enjoy where you are in life, a moment of zen as Jon Stewart calls it. I took that time yesterday, canceling plans with Dennis and Murph. I needed to evaluate where I was, and where I was going, to plot a course, even if I wasn't going to follow it well.

I talked to my mother yesterday, I think I have talked more to her in the week she has been in Arizona then the 2 months before, anyway, she was going to talk to my cousin Ryan, so hopefully we can get together and hang out. I haven't seen him in years, I mean a long time, probably since the last time I went to Arizona, that I can recall at least. Oddly before she left for Arizona we were discussing my cousin Danny and how he vanished off the face of the earth.

I remember the annoyance at my other cousins on my fathers side, I agreed to move to Sunset just to be close to them, to hopefully hang out and get to know them again, they seem to drift in and out of my life at times. Long story short, moving to Sunset did nothing, they did there thing, two of them moved and I soon after left to Bay Ridge. Perhaps cousins are not meant to be that close, I rarely hear people talking about how they hung out with there cousin so and so and had a great time, well not these days, maybe more in Junior High / High School, perhaps that's when its feasible, but I guess I never had that at all.

So as time moves, new opportunities arise and present themselves, just have to follow the tide I guess, pick a direction and hope its the same way the current goes ... I seem to have a lot of cheezy analogies today. So what is on the agenda, Murphy wanted to hang out, probably early, so I may swing by his house and then back to mine around the time D comes around. I rather be out somewhere though, so maybe I will cancel again and get down to the park after all or hit B&N and get the last book in the series I am reading. Which reminds me of all the tidbits I had to write about ... I will get to that later and make a separate post. Coming up ... Watchmen, final thoughts, and the funniest machinima I have ever seen.

Pfft

My weekend was rather uneventful. I spoke to my father, which doesn't happen to often, he didn't mention the divorce which I found odd. We mainly talked about Warcraft, which oddly he seems to be leaning toward quitting, so I am not sure what talks with him will consist of soon. I gave it a shot and updated him on the personal world of Ivan, he gave some good advice, perhaps that is a road we can go down again in the future.

In other news, plans fell through, then the rain, so it kinda took the air out of anything I would have been doing this weekend. I mainly walked around the neighborhood and did a little window shopping. I broke with my slightly healthier living, kept the exercise but, had a chicken parm hero that I now feel sick for eating. I took out some cash in expectation for plans, which is something I prefer not to do since I am prone to then eating out, and this is my payment, too ill to even eat my morning Cherrios.

So whats on the agenda for today? More cat and mouse I am sure, some house cleaning, and a trip to Shore Road possibly, depends if Murph decides to hang out or not. You know I have been in Bay Ridge for maybe 3 years now, *counts on his fingers*, I think 3 years, anyway, in all that time I had no clue there was such a massive park that ran along the water. I put it top of my agenda to get down there and maybe take some pics or just relax, the walk to it doesn't hurt either.

Lets just hope I can make it through the day ... sleepy ... *starts snoring*

*Judah fight spoilers below*

Wait, almost forgot, the Judah fight! I am not a big fan of boxing that I know win percentages, nor care about arm length of a boxer. I do however have those fighters I enjoy watching and those I enjoy watching get smacked up. The problem is its usually the ones I hate that win, like Judah. He was boxing Clottey, who I never heard of before, yet is apparently a very good boxer, he smacked up Judah to prove that. In all the Zab fights I always hoped he would lose, he is a pretty dirty boxer by my estimates, low blows, etc. Finally however he was just out boxed. Clottey kept playing Judah close and assuming the counter puncher role, something jUdah normally is prided for. With a tight guard Judah really did not stand a chance, he tried fancy foot work, attempting to throw Clottey off balance, but by the 6th round you could tell it wasn't work and the heavy handed Clottey was taking his toll on Judah. By round 9, it was over. Clottey caught Judah with a blistering uppercut that tore a hole above Judah's eye, preventing him from being able to continue boxing.

It was ruled an accidental headbutt and they went to the cards. I personally think Judah was faking his inability to see, the doctor seemed to imply that as well, always saying "Judah stated he could not see out of that eye." Anyway it turns out the judges unanimously had Clottey beating Judah and replays showed no such headbutt occured, something Judah, even after being shown the reply, swears happened. Sore loser.

Little shopping and weekend troubleshooting.

Went shopping for some needed components. Got my Air Force Ones, all white of course. I desperatly needed some new kicks, the white and red ones were getting too beat up, even noticed the rubber worn on the bottom. The bad thing about new kicks, and all white ones at that, I don't want to wear them around people. I know the moment someone blesses my picks I am going to be fuming, but its bound to happen sooner or later. So I got my white kicks so I can look right when I throw on the jeans and button down, next step was a new phone.


Carrying the Blackberry for work, music and pics and having to carry my own phone for ... phone service, was becoming a pain for two reasons, no holster for the BB, and the phone I purchased over two years ago was a bit bulky. It had a full keyboard when the concept was new, AIM built in, etc. However 3 days after I got it the internal screen busted and left me without any of the great features and just a bulky phone. So I finally decided to replace the antiquated device and picked up the Arc, Virgins newest phone. Yes I used prepaid, its cheap, no obligations, no plans, no begging for new phones. Back to the phone. It is tons lighter then Switch Back I had, and quite a bit thinner, thank god. On top of that, since I find myself in increasing need of AIM, the new one can sign on and stay on all day.

Ugh, I was trying to pull some pics off the Blackberry today and was again halted by the annoying Roxio Media Manager software. So far I have had the following issues:

The device does not see the MicroSD card.
The device can see the card, but will not let me see anything on it.
The media manager swears the device is connected even though the RIM portion says its fine.
The device takes over 30 minutes to transfer and encrypt a 7MB song.

How did I fix it? I rolled back to before the Media Manager was turned over to Roxio. This means I can never upgrade the software or I will be cursed with having to deal with the bloatware again, 45MB as opposed to 230MB.

New kicks, new phone, BB working as intended, not a bad day.